Do Not Pass Go
(by Drew Coffman)
So sue me. My frankly aberrant fascination with the disturbingly-vacant-and-offensively-moneyed and yet still-yummy-in-a-makes-you-feel-dirty-sort-of-way because you-suspect-she’s-actually-made-wholly-of-plastic Paris Hilton reached its height this week when she got let out of jail for having a rash or getting a bit upset or something. Whatever.
But… Dude! It’s, like, not right! The judge sent her right back in!
But, like, that’s going to totally send, like, the wrong messages to the public! People are totally going to think that the young, rich and hawt are going to get the same treatment when they blatantly break the law and endanger the public and stuff as, like, poor people! And Robert Downey Junior!
And like, how will she be able to look fabulous in the pen, man?
Let’s spare a thought for, like, the total injustice that got done in the name of, like, justice, or the totally unjust justice. Or the… oh, whatever. Let’s just put it in the words of Paris. Mom! Mom! It’s not right!
Think how she must be suffering! I mean, it’s not like totally put herself in charge of a moving vehicle while off her face and then went and ignored the banning while driving in a totally unsafe manner, is it?
And who’s going to think of the chihuahuas?
Yeah. Schadenfreude isn’t all that noble a sentiment, but bloody hell. Sometimes there’s a justification, and if there was ever a justification, it’s this: “It’s not right.”
Like I said: you suspect she’s wholly made of plastic. Hollow head.
The hair’s realistic, though.
June 9th, 2007 at 1:50 pm
The lynchmob approach to this whole thing is lots of fun - you can hear them building the guillotines. Maybe when they have sorted out the vacuous celebrities they will turn on rich people generally.
I was reading, however, that non-violent criminals in LA often serve only 10% of their sentences.
June 9th, 2007 at 2:56 pm
I dunno about lynch mobs, but come on - the girl got caught driving with undue care and attention after a ban from drunk driving. She knew what the deal was going to be.
June 9th, 2007 at 6:30 pm
Having been to Lynwood jail, I can speak from experience. I would not wish it on anyone. Nearly incurable and deadly MRSA is rampant. Rehabilitation services are few. Walking into the women’s pod was like walking onto the set of Twelve Monkeys, only more decrepit. Wanting to show you, I searched for pictures of the interior of LA County jails, and found only this one from the LA Times blog:
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/photos/uncategorized/stillwaiting_1.jpg
Men’s pod — probably Twin Towers from the look of it. This is a close-in shot. Multiply by a factor of 20 to 40, crowded together, the walls closing in, much darker, and encased behind plexiglas for your viewing pleasure, and you might have an idea of Lynwood.
As Amnesty International has stated, prison is where one is sent AS punishment, not FOR punishment. Paris is going into a type of SHU — torture in and of itself. With or without notoriety.
Lee Baca, citing budget constraints, has for years been releasing prisoners early. I know a young woman who was sentenced to a year in jail for driving under the influence, wrecking her car, and stabbing her boyfriend in a drunken rage (not necessarily in that order). She was released after only a few days to finish her sentence under house arrest.
Building prisons to treat alcoholism and drug addiction is like building graveyards to treat cancer. Look at crimes closely, and you’ll see that alcohol and drugs underlie the majority. Do we, as a society, want a real solution, or do we want a long bondage / corporal punishment scene? You tell me.
But, I get you. The girl flaunted the terms of her probation and now must suffer the consequences. She thought, ‘It Couldn’t Happen to ME! I’m PARIS HILTON.’ Her mother laughed derisively in court — in front of the judge! — at the very idea of a Hilton Going to Jail. O Boo Hoo Hoo for Poor Little Paris.
… & the Get Out of Jail Free card, btw, is brilliant! Well done.
June 10th, 2007 at 10:54 am
Ah, now. I did not know about the jail conditions. I had assumed she’d be sent somewhere where they send, y’know, rich people. Like the place Jeffrey Archer went to.
But yes, that’s right. They took the piss out of the judge and now they’re acting all hurt because she got treated the same as the rest of the planet.
June 11th, 2007 at 2:11 pm
But think of the effect on the economy. Keep Paris in jail for too long and the profits for clothing, shoes, unnecessary handbags, cosmetics, lipstick, cute outfits for chihuahuas etc. etc. will take a nosedive. It is essential she is let out as early as possible, for all our sakes.
June 12th, 2007 at 2:10 pm
From David Rakoff’s book, “Don’t Get Too Comfortable:”
“If, for example, it came to light that the dangerously thin, affectless, value-deficient, higher-aspiration-free amateur-porn auteur Paris Hilton was actually a covert agent from some secret Taliban madrasah whose mission was to portray the ultimate capitalist whore-puppet of a doomed society with nothing more on its mind than servitude to Mammon and celebrity at any cost, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.”